Black Women Asian Men United

To support, encourage, & promote interaction between Asian Men & Black Women.

Date Safety



I am going to point out that I am aware that this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people.  To those I may offend, primarily those who are victims of rape themselves, I want to apologize on behalf the “men” who violated your lives, stole your security, took your innocence and sanity.  This discussion is not for you or targeted for you.  It is my intention to prevent rape, while being upsettingly aware that we cannot prevent everything.  What happened to you was not your fault, point blank period.  (So if you would like to avoid reading the rest of this, I invite you to stop now.) 

The fact is that rapists do exist.  There are many theories on why they do.  Some feminists posit that Society supports “rape culture.”  Others believe some have a few screws loose mentally.  Either which way, it’s not my intention to debate the “whys.”   I am going at this from the view I usually take…which is black and white practicality. (We are going to assume from this point that rapists are out there…that is all I ask of you.)  Rape is wrong, it oversteps and violates intimate boundaries, and the ones committing it always need some kind of an advantage to execute assault, which I will discuss about later.  People who commit rape should already know it’s wrong, but that’s just my opinion.  If you have to hide something, it’s more than likely wrong in my eyes.  I am not going to sit here and debate that these guys need to be educated that rape is wrong…frankly I don’t believe it’s practical, especially when we can’t identify most because under maybe 15% of rapists are reported and less than that do time for it.  I don’t think they would ever become sensitive to the damage they do and since it related to sex, I doubt many would admit and change...but let us get back to facts…

Rape is more prevalent than reported.  This is an absolute fact in my own experience of listening to my friends, and even the women of Bwamu for these last five years (The date is December 2014 as I write this)…so we know they are out there and you must assume this fact for your own protection and the rest of this discussion.

Why am I doing this?  Part of what I think a man is, is part of being the role taker of protector.  I do feel it’s my duty as the creator of Bwamu to at least offer some tactics and tools to avoid SITUATIONS. (Lets be real for a minute, a lot of parents don’t talk to their children about sex, and we can generalize that people don’t talk about rape prevention much…so I’ll be the insensitive asshole to do it.) We are now walking out the realm of your personal experiences and feelings -and are going to put them aside and deal with theory from this point on.  I have been in the past, very quick to say that If you feel that you are going into a direction that doesn’t feel right, listen to your instincts and remove yourself from the situation.  This should always be your first goal.  You don’t need to give an explanation, a reason, or to be polite…you just got to go and have every right to…but what do I mean by that??? 

I mean this…you are out with a guy, you might just met him yesterday or he’s been real gentleman like to you for the last three months…makes no difference.  We are going to assume he’s a sexual predator in these scenarios, he has some screws loose that you haven’t noticed before…and we are assuming that they don’t have the most effective rationale anyways.  Whatever it is, he (or she…or fuck it, IT) decides you are going to be the TARGET.  Before violent rape happens they have to SUBDUE or CONTROL you.  (In Brazilian Jiu Jitsu this is called passing your guard and getting a control on you).  Never give up control unless to feign giving up to go and fight again.  They can be encroaching in your personal space or cornering you.  (Cutting the ring off in boxing)   This is when people panic…DO NOT PANIC.  Because if they get control of you they are going to try to EXHAUST YOU BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.  Panicking sucks you dry of energy you need to get away or fight, and Psychologically reinforces that you’ve given up.  You can’t.  You must not give up.  You can only give up when you are not giving up.  So if it ever gets to that point where you haven’t escaped, you have to play possum and do a FAKE SURRENDER.  Because they have to undress you to EXECUTE THE ASSAULT, you need to use that opportunity to fight or get away again.  Rinse and repeat over and over and over…

The last scenario is playing checkers.  Now we play chess.  I got fried pretty bad on Bwamu FB for outlining this…but we are going to focus on things that happen before the rape phases begin in the above paragraph.  And that is…we need to work on preventing before things happen and before really bad things happen.   The goal for rape prevention in my eyes is all about an INCREASED SENSE OF AWARENESS.  (Gracies call it an increased sensitivity to your opponent)


Triangle of Victimization


There is a general theory called the “Triangle of Victimization.”  I’ll be using it here as a focus on rape prevention.  Basically, there are three elements for a crime to occur.    

A) Unsuspecting Target

B) Opportunity

C) Predator

When these three things align in one place, the potential for crime, yet in this case we are discussing rape…goes up.  (Again this is not fault finding, victim blaming, etc. )  This is a conceptual construct that we are working with to know what elements you should be highly aware of and what you are in control of.  Right now, if we look at the framework, we are only in control of A and B.  At this very moment we are working on changing you from an Unsuspecting Target to a Suspecting Empowered Woman.   The point is that if we remove any one of the elements, the rape can’t happen. 

A Target in an Opportunistic Setting alone without a Predator present does not present a rape threat. 

A Predator with an Opportunistic Setting with no Target Present does not present a rape threat. 

A Target in the vicinity of a Predator with no Opportunistic Setting (with 20 people watching) is not an immediate rape threat. 

If all three align you have to move to defending the phases of rape which we talked in short above.  But before then, when a Predator wants to rob, rape, or assault someone, they are going to attempt to close the triangle in their favor.  You have to become aware of this and prevent that triangle from closing.  There are many ways that this can happen but I’m going to focus on the basics. 

They are all a form of ISOLATION.  They have to happen in private so they can get away with it.  Which is related to the theory of POINT A to POINT B.  Never ever let the Predator move you or guide you from one point to another.  No matter how special they make you feel, think, or believe about yourself, don’t do it.  It’s an act of isolation to (what I call) a controlled domain.  Where they control most of the factors, whether it be their place, a their friend’s place, or even a hotel room.  Even your own home can be used against you…cause now you gave them LEVERAGE of knowing where you live.  (Just like when you share a naked photo with someone with your face on it…it’s giving someone leverage) So obviously no alone in dark alleys instead of the main street…but you already know that.  Also I need to add that just because it’s daytime…you can be assaulted.  It doesn’t matter what time it is.  So get that out your head.  I think you all that are reading this are capable of applying this to a lot of things yourselves.  (Plus I don’t want to get into another dogfight on this topic.)

So basically I am a proponent of having your own means, meeting at a destination with your own car, having enough funds to leave and get back at least to a safe place from where you go…that includes out of state.  I’m a proponent of independent and self-empowered aware individuals.   None of this applies to children and those victims of molestation.  That is where you come in to help educate them…yet there is a dilemma of exposing young people to these possibilities too early…so the question is when? 

So the point of this section is…Stay Focused, Stay Safe, Stay Aware!


I got some inboxes and feel I need to address some other things besides the idealized News Casted rape scenario we have running above.  That is the Familial or Non Stranger Sexual Assault.  (We don’t hear of this much in the news, These are probably the most under reported types of rape because they don’t leave the evidence of force and because some level of relationship was pre-established between victims and the rapists.)


Non Stranger Sexual Assault


This is different from the normal rape we think of. (There is a term in prison called “trying someone.”)  It’s a form of the first phase of those secret sexual assaulters.  That is INTRUSION.    This is where the predator starts testing your boundaries verbally, physically, and even sexually to see if you are going to defend against them. ( In prison if you didn’t act immediately with severe violence or equal, you were either raped or robbed by the end of the week.)  They usually continue and prolong it, without a defense you subtly allow it moving to the next phase of DESENSITIZING you.  And if you react at this point they try to make it seem that YOU are over reacting, uptight, and as if they were just joking about it, the boundaries you set become useless to them and they push you into the next phase…ISOLATION just like the above.  Take you away from the crowd.  Where they start getting physical.  (In prison this phase is executed by dudes horseplaying or making sexual jokes as if it were cool, lowering the target’s status.)

But Predators use a different type of violence…instrumental violence…when they attackers violence is proportional to your defense…the less you defend, the less he has to aggress. The easiest way to fight a fight without fighting is through the path of least resistance.  (As I was in group therapy with some of these rapists…they described this as a show of physically over powering someone without using full force.)  Another form that most Predators use is Drugs or Alcohol… you are inebriated, lines blur more, you let things go on, it’s hard to defend yourself, and it can be partly social…that is until they isolate you and Instrumental Violence or Force comes into play. 

When it comes to non strangers, it’s about setting boundaries.  “This is uncomfortable. -Loodjie”  Know your boundaries, set them for yourselves.  If you know a boundary is to not be in a room you barely know alone…you don’t have to decide once you get there if he’s a cool guy or not…the boundary is crossed. 

Don’t be sarcastic, or nice about it, be clear, look them in the eye, State the behavior they are attempting to push on you (I don’t want a drink), Tell them how you feel (I feel disrespected/ uncomfortable), Tell them What to do (Leave me alone).  There is no misinterpretation about the situation.  If the continue or persist, go Broken Record on them, say it again and raise intensity so more people notice.  Avoid the “Conversational Web” dudes attempt to turn things around on you…stay with your assertion with conviction. (So you are saying you don’t drink?)  The sooner you set the boundary, the easier it’s to enforce.  Don’t be embarrassed to be physical.  Weirdo, Creeper, put it on him 100% Blast.  The longer you wait, the bigger their ego strength grows.  Set the boundaries, so you know when he crosses them you are now aware of his evil intentions…

No matter at which point you are at -nothing that you did, said, wore, drank made you ask to be sexually assaulted.  You always have the right to set boundaries.  These are undercover predators.  These are undercover rapists.  No matter if they hit you in the head with a bat and raped you or took you to dinner and put something in your food…it’s still the same rape. 

The point of all this is to understand that you are vulnerable and can put yourself in a more vulnerable position.  I’m attempting to erase the feeling of helplessness with logic and action, but I know it’s quite difficult when you don’t face it to know and have experience in it.  I used these tactics to survive myself, and I strengthened my own physical skill set to match my inner will.  Children and familial situations are not going to benefit from what is written here.  BUT having someone trustable to go to…that is you, who will take action to defend them in their time of need  should be all of our duties.  This is what I expect of you and what I think we should expect from one another. 

I’ll close with this, but this is only a rough draft…I’m sure it will be addressed and expanded upon in my inbox and the comments below.  


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Comment by V...Catchy Cool Username on January 11, 2017 at 8:14am

Addressing and inbox question:

...Well I have. This notion that you can teach away some of the basic impulses some have is hopeful but we don't have currently the institutional means to do it.
Secondly this feminist /womanist approach to this argument is a little unbalanced. The point people try to put across is lessen your situational chances of rape. Women take that as "rape is ok stop victim blaming." Realistically the third element is opportunity.
Post what you want on the internet provocatively, unless you are in a room with a rapist your chances are zilch to being sexually offended.
However go to a party dressed provocatively where you don't know people with blind spots with no friends, your chances climb exponentially of being raped. Is it the victim's fault, is situational... foreseeing consequences before they can happen is a high level human thinking device from experience.

A much simpler example is this. Would you step into a Lion's cage with a lion with your body strapped with bloody meat? You would be okay if you were outside the cage. This is where the power of situation and opportunities comes in. Victims blame offenders with no account of the situation because it supports their perspective. Unless you are a lion tamer, you simply don't invite that opportunity in your life, and when you acknowledge that, you stop being a victim and accept there are people out there who are capable of doing tucked up things. Just don't contribute to the chances with your actions is all they are saying. They are even arguing on the same perception...when the situations are vastly different.

Comment by Kristyn on May 1, 2016 at 8:59pm

Well said. 

Comment by Tonya on May 16, 2015 at 7:25am
This is very direct, informative, and useful. Very well put! Thank you!
Comment by Olivia G on March 10, 2015 at 1:56am

thank you for posting this. I don't think people are always aware.

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