Black Women Asian Men United

To support, encourage, & promote interaction between Asian Men & Black Women.

30 Things About V - The things you wanted but didn't want to know. The things you heard about...

30 Things About Me

I promised that I would get this done before 2011.  This is it, and if you aren’t prepared for realness, I advise you skip this note.  I know for a lot of people, Facebook is related to politics, reputation, and or jobs, and the fear of giving your deepest parts of Self is freighting for most of the population…except for me.  Since it such high content, I expect most people to not read it, and I’m fine with that, it’s yet again, predictable. 

Me Vs. The World

  1. I was involved in the murder of a black girl.  I know people in the Bwam community have brought this up over and over in their private messages, phone conversations, and while making friends.  She was not just a black girl to me.  Her name was Tatia Brennan.  She was a friend to me, and I failed her.  I betrayed her for a gang that we were both in.  A gang that also planned to discard of me.  My greatest failure was letting it happen, helping it, and putting fear before a friend and faith.  I never lied about it, and I tell everyone so they would have a choice to befriend me.  To me, it’s just not a black girl, it’s a person.  To many, it’s just a fact to use against me because there is nothing else.  I am well aware that it happens, other administrators of BW / AM sites love hating on me because they themselves lack the substance.  I am an ex-convicted criminal.  I did spend 13 years in prison.  I WAS sentenced to LIFE.  I was Released Early because they found out I had more of a limited function in the crime.  I am not perfect.  But at least I am man enough to say that I have made mistakes, still making mistakes, and is willing to fight to correct them.   In the end, I owe someone their life, and I don’t take it lightly.  I carry this with me, inside of me, and when people pass judgment on me behind my back, it doesn’t sting as much as I think about it myself.  You don’t know the situation, you can only conjecture about it.  The point is that I am now living for two, and I know it seems ironic that a person like me would be leading the many in IR relations, but to me, they are two irrelevant points, as they are different points of my life.  If you are going to judge me for my past (something that I can’t control) then you are no different from someone who judges someone primarily because of their race (something they also had no control over) – In the end, you may not agree with me, all I ask is that you really think deeply.   
  2. Surviving prison.  I went in at age 15, straight into an adult facility.  It was very hard, and being Asian in an 80% black, 19% white, and 1% other (I’m the other) populations of nothing but murderers, rapists, and robbers.  Having a female victim adds on to that 100 fold.  Promising myself never to join a gang, disavowing the gang, and promising not to join a religion for protection is even more crazy.  Over all, I got stabbed up twice, jumped over 20 times, and been in an equal amount of fights.  I never was raped, killed, or chose to kill myself.  I know what being locked in a cell for 90 days by yourself and keeping yourself sane is.  I survived with all those odds against me.  What have you done in your life? 
  3. Abuse.  My family was abusive.  My mom and dad verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me everyday.  EVERYDAY.  I had terrible self-esteeme. I didn’t fit in because I grew up in all black neighborhood, I have no respect for the culture I was brought up in because of my parents.  It just fueled more abuse as I tried to find my way.  I wasn’t given toys, I was even beat up because my parents were called to school because I was being awarded.  They hit me with a car, threw hatchets at me in front of my friends, and chased by my moms with butcher knives because they couldn’t handle their own lives and pressures.  I was left homeless because they forced me to work as a child, and I just left for two weeks in D.C.  Yeah, I ate out of trashcans and slept in some very uncomfortable places.
  4. Being bullied.  I was bullied by this guy named Christopher Thomas.  I still today want to beat this guy up.  My parents beat me even after he and his friends took a 30 minute joyride of stomping me out on my way home.  Double wammy. 
  5. The point of Bwamu2.ning.com.  The point and vision of Bwam was to bring people together and allowing them to interact.  The fear involved in not showing their true, authentic and real selves disgusts me.  (Mainly because, I didn’t have the heart to look at myself, and it cost someone their life.)  People are not living their lives these days, and as I look, I look back -while I spent all those years in prison.  I don’t want people to waste their lives in their own mental and emotional incarcerations.  When I first heard there was a site for Black Women and Asian Men in the DC, MD, VA area, it was administered by Amaryllis.  When I first got on, I was still locked up in the halfway house.  I told Amaryllis about my being incarcerated, and I promised her to bring more people, because passionately, I am about AMBW relations.  In two weeks, the site changed and we did it.  Then I went through some emotional things within myself, and with a lot of the activity on the site, I got blamed for the drama as well.  In time, the local site was let go of, and Bwamu2.ning.com was created.  United was the main focal point of my idea, but the 2 in the title was in respect for Amaryllis and what she did.  We are now the fastest growing and one of the strongest Blasian communities there is. (Minus some of the drama –because of the removal of some jealous trolls.)  We are event driven and the most active AMBW site still.  People have questioned the charter on the main menu, and it was written specifically becuase I don’t like that people are racist, so I’m not just about BW AM relationships, it’s about Inter Racial Relationships overall. This is not a race condition; it’s a people human condition – Love is Love, and Life is Life...it’s already hard.  Black Women are beautiful to me, the most beautiful women on the planet – no matter what most people thing or say, I know this to be true.  When I see people’s reactions, even today, it’s still taboo in their mind.  We are here together to change the world.  I may not be the best leader politically, but I am the strongest out there for the cause. 
  6. My view on relationships.  Until my recent one, my relationships didn’t last over 2 months.  So I fought hard to keep this one alive, a year and a half of fight.  True love is hard to find…you have to really beat the odds.  One in a million is a very true statement.  Something you wish for everyone, but is rarer than diamonds in the ocean.  No matter what race, person, or path you find it in, cherish Love…cherish it.  
  7. Personally, it’s hard for me to feel loved.  I can only feel it when I give it to others or by showing it the way I do.  Usually it’s by doing things for, with, and listening to who people are.  Love is more akin to respect for me.  You can only give those things. It may be from my fucked up childhood, it may be that I am broken from all the years of being without people.  Whatever it is, for me, I am what I am now.   
  8. I am a child at war.  A part of me has been imprisoned all his life.  I just want to be free.  Another part of me has done nothing but survived.  I survived prison with my wits, skill, and abilities.  I sort of see everything in some ways, as a competition, and I hate to lose.  My ability to see many perspectives at once and choose due course is not always a good talent.  Why?  Because I am so used to seeing a negative end, I try to prevent it or habitually make it a little battle of control. 
  9. Standard Philosophy of Dilemma.  Priority goes like this…TRUTH…then… FREEDOM …and then… LOVE …if you want to know why, just think about it.  If you don’t allow a person truth, then you can’t give them freedom to choose.  Then at the same time, you are lying to yourself, and you don’t give yourself liberation.  Love can be one sided.  If you put love in front of freedom, then you can stalk someone.  Love takes two to make, and one to break.  Deep thought here folks, the type you like to avoid. 
  10.   My relations with people:  When people first encounter me, they get a sort of shock then relief.  Most people don’t across someone that is both honest and opinionated on the basis of philosophizing about every day crap.  I have an array of friends because of the versatility I have.  I am street and book smart.  141 I.Q.  I am an artist, a performing artist, and love music and singing.  I am highly emotional and logical as well.  I can talk and is knowledgeable about a variety of subjects.  I don’t care about your race, socio-economical background, sexual preference, or propensity.  I just want to get to know who you are, and if that is the problem, then yeah, maybe I’d dip out.  With me, you are going to me mentally, emotionally, and challenged on your beliefs.  You shall be stimulated.  Not only can I see with many perspectives as well as the third person view, I’m pretty funny as well.  You will feel the love and understanding that you would have never felt with your last boyfriend, girlfriend, and or family in a short amount of time.  Some even come to hate me or are jealous that I can command a variety of audiences. To me, it’s their shallowness which takes away from their outer appeal, and they can’t come to understand why a mere guy like me can garner such responses from so many people.  It’s a natural ability of charisma on a level that can’t be matched…it comes from experience and pain, and a need to get love that I will never be able to feel. 

Me Vs. Your Opinion

  1. When you first meet me, be ready to be engaged in thought and feelings.  If there is a mission to be had, I have no problems taking lead.  If you have the better purpose, I have no problem having your back.  If we are enemies…it’s only for that perspective, not the whole you…I always see my enemy as my friend too.  It’s weird, but it’s like having a debate, in the end, I am only fighting the debate, not the person.  Most people don’t realize this and just personalize it.  They believe that an idea is inherently who they are, and to attack a belief is a personal attack on them.  It’s not with me.  It’s just an idea and perspective that can change. 
  2. Spirituality > Religion.  Religion is Man Made to me…your own personal relationship with God is just that, personal.  No one will ever understand or know what that is, even if they are in the same church.  There are no rules, just for me, it’s about doing the right thing.  I’ve deeply studied almost every major religion, and finally rest with the 12 steps, and philosophy as my base.  I do believe in God, I just hope God believes in me. 
  3. Relative Perspective of Truth:  Everyone has their beliefs, based on whatever reasoning they have. Truth, to me, is the one that most perspectives can accurately define.  A theory, a concept, or even that “feeling” like this is truth is just a drop in the ocean.  I don’t feel we can ever see the whole picture, only a perspective.  And with those perspectives, we develop feelings, plans, maps, and we respond to it with our lives.  Things are true if you believe it.  So for me, to get to the root of things, I have to question my own beliefs.  If my beliefs are bullshit, they wont stand the people, but for the best measure, I test them in reality.  How practical is this truth?   Does it work in real life?  How does it affect everything within or around it?  What choices does a person make if they believed this or that?   Most people can’t get to this because they are not honest with others or themselves.  Inherently, they know they believe in some bullshit – and are in denial.  So they have two choices, avoid or run from it.  Usually, they blame the person getting the truth out of it, and then get other people to do it too.  I guess that’s why Socrates was killed. 
  4. Shallow/Depth:  What makes a deep person is that they think considerable amount.  They can see the underlying issues and focus on the points that matter or control all the dependant variables.  It hurts bad when you look deeply, because it forces you to look at yourself too.  Shallow people don’t have this.  They can reproduce it, but not the authentic side.  These things are not absolutes, we all have certain parts of us that are shallow and deep.  How I judge this is on its relation to people.  If you like to look good, hey, it only affects you.  But if you will only make a friend if they are generally attractive, you are shallow.  If you regard a person only on surface things or what they do and never look deeper and ask…then you may fall more on the shallow spectrum.  I feel that I am more deep than shallow.  I know it may not look that way, but I am.  You know when you get too deep when people are resistant to answer, or have no answer.  They’ve literally never have been taken there.  They will fight and fall to fear, even when you are trying to bring that truth and hurt to light so they can face it.  So those that are shallow, are really deep people in disguise.  Deepness, in my opinion, is our natural state.  Shallowness is just a shield of fear that replaces heart. 
  5. Haters:  Unfortunately, a lot of people are haters.  You are a hater if: You concentrate on what someone else is doing for no reason.  Haters are those who consciously or unconsciously look for things in others to pull them down because deep down inside, they feel that they are lesser, but don’t want to admit it.  Haters are those who must compare themselves OUT.  Their Focus of Loci is set and dependent on others, instead of the Loci being self-defined.  They don’t understand why or what is going on because they are always looking for those outside of them to blame.  It’s okay to have an opinion, it’s okay to judge, it’s natural…it’s only hating when it goes too far.  Naturally, those who have the most haters are on top of their game, those who get most of the attention, and concentrate on themselves more than others.  Those on top usually congratulate others for their achievements because they understand what it takes to achieve things.  Haters minimize other’s achievements because they don’t know the hardships that it takes to get even a little success.  Their mindset is, “oh I can do that.”  Then why haven’t you?  If you can do better…why not do it?  Prove it.  Haters always have to ride on the coattails of winners, and the only way to do it for them is to pull you down as they are attempting to pull themselves up. In their mind, they are winning, even when you give them a win, they don’t see it.  They take any small minute win as a success, and when you slip, they will jump on it like white on rice – grasping meaningless straws.  They can’t understand that it takes many slips and mistakes and learning, and going through tremendous amount of emotional pain to win the war.  To be the head of the pack, it takes guts, risk, and sacrifice.  A hater will never jeopardize any of that.  Don’t be a hater, concentrate on your life, don’t waste your time on me.  Once you start talking about me, and it’s just talk, you can better use your time on building yourself up.  Don’t copy and paste…get like me…the original document. 
  6. Judge me in the moment – upon something I am in control.  People say that you shouldn’t judge people.   We inherently do judge people, situations, and things because we have to organize our life and priorities.  What I don’t like is when people judge others on terms that they are in no control of.  If you can’t change it, you can accept it.  It’s a choice.  If you have a belief that people like to judge you on, you better have a good defense for what you believe.  For example, I don’t see a need to “respect your elders.”  I would say, just show everyone respect.  If an elder disrespects you, they get what is coming to them.  They are people just like you, and lived enough to know better anyways.  To follow such rules that seem “correct” is not enough for me.  I’ve thought deeply about it, and reflected on it.  A person who has a shallow concept would never understand why I don’t fall in line and co-sign the “respect your elders,” talk.  If they just thought deeply and asked themselves why, they might be able to understand, but before that happens, they are already judging your belief as it was wrong.  But I have a lot of beliefs and take actions on things that others may have not philosophized about.  Maybe being locked in a cell questioning myself, the world, and others was of a benefit to me.  Once you learn to judge someone on something they can control, be sure you reflect on your position and why as well. 
  7. I cry more than people think.  I rarely show it, but I do.  I cry out of frustration with my life, my own choices, and when I see things that hurt other people.  It brings me back to what dumb stuff I have done.  Usually, I have to be strong, be on offense, and be there for all the people that need me, but there are times I just can’t help it.  I’m really emotional and sensitive.  But it’s not out of weakness, and don’t feel vulnerable that I cry, it’s just that I have to snap myself out of it to keep on pushing and doing better things instead of my own tears. 
  8. Intuition, predictability:  I am really good a predicting negative and positive behaviors.  I can see the likelihood of certain acts because I am more pessimistic than usual.  I can see the bad end before it comes, and I always assume something will go wrong, and unfortunately, because we are human, we usually fail more than we succeed.  Sometimes, even though I know things are coming, I allow them to happen because a part of my “insanity” is that I want to be right.  There are two ways I determine what is going to happen, gut feeling, and a mental survey of my experience or actual surveys.  (I use the GSS, gov, and other sites that poll people.)  I know people can have an attitude and belief about something and react/ behave much the opposite.  To me, this is fun.  It interests me on what people do, but as to why they do it takes much time and effort to understand.  I feel if I am doing something predictable, then I am not changing or trying to find out NEW things that work.  Forecasting what would and will happen is a very effective tool.  It’s a chess match!
  9. Black Women:  Simply are the most attractive women to me.  Historically, they’ve been through a lot, and go though so much social and inner struggles with both image, beauty, and keeping their head high.  It’s wrong, beauty is beauty, and women are equally beautiful all around.  I was with a friend last week, and she has a daughter, and I didn’t understand until having a conversation with a young teen all the pressure she goes though.  A lot of people think that I support all the guys on Bwam, but really, I am there to represent the women more so than anything.  I didn’t think of that at first, but over time, this is what it has become.  Women are the better sex, us guys need to be more honest.  I’m going to be down for the cause until my last breath.
  10. Chess: I love the game, and it’s how I play life.  I am an aggressive player than a defensive player, I make risky choices and not worried to lose my queen if it allows the win. 

Me Vs. Me

21.    Magic:  I love performing magic because it allows others to see what is impossible done in their face.  I feel that everything is possible, and if we fight and find a way, it can happen.  It’s the only time where I can consistently lie and not worry about it.  I’m entertaining people, and I love it.  But let me tell you where it came from.  When I was incarcerated, I knew my chances of getting a job was going to be hard.  At that time, I didn’t have an education, and I remembered back when I was homeless eating out of trash cans.  I told myself that I would never rob or steal, and the only way to earn money is to find a way to give people something and it would be reciprocated in return.  I chose magic, and I taught myself through books since then.  Now I am a master level magician.  

22.    MMA/ Jiu Jitsu:  This was a part of being bullied when I was younger and in prison.  It wasn’t until a guy named Mustapha took me aside and taught me how to box that I had some confidence and control of my hands.  Another man named Israel Murphy taught me Wing Chun.  But to fight, it takes a major amount of heart.  It just fed my insecurity from being able to protect myself and my friends if anything ever started to kick off.  BJJ is the only art where you can control your opponent and actively not hurt them if you wanted to.  It’s a science. 

23.    Art:  I was supposed to get a scholarship for Julliard in NY before I got locked up.  I messed it up.  I was an artist in both the visual and performing arts.  I guess it’s my emo side and rebellious nature.  I was never given toys and was locked in the basement for my elementary school years when my parents were both hard at work, so I taught myself how to draw. 

24.    Yu-Gi-Oh:  This has to be the most best game besides Chess to me.  It’s much like life.  You build yourself up, you test it, and there is a fair amount of chance involved. 

25.    Philosophy:  I went on a 40 day liquid fast in prison.  At the same time, I was studying some of the greatest leaders of our time…Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi, JFK, Muhammad Ali, Malcolm X, and I read all the Eastern and Western fundamental writers of Philosophy.  At this moment, my life took a drastic change, and I learned some things about myself that I really did not like.  It wasn’t until all this that I learned what it is to discover yourself, be reborn, and dictate your own life.  This was when I felt closest to God, and to myself. 

26.    Broken Self Image:  There is so many parts of me and my past to look down on.  There are so many expectations I have for myself in the future, and so many things that happened in my life that I had to admit, that it was some Higher Power who kept me alive through.  I don’t deny that it’s by some grace I am here today, but I can’t keep away the feeling of being broken.

27.    Loneliness  - at the end of the day, we are all alone.  I feel that I am so different in experiences and life that I don’t fit in.  The same feeling when I was young.  The only difference is that I am just getting by living in it, instead of always letting it dictate my feelings and actions.  But I can’t deny that it does influence some.  Even in a full room of my friends, loving, and happy, I feel it.  I don’t know sometimes. 

28.    High Emotions/Sensitivity and High Analytical/Logical Mind:  I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place at all times.  And no one can understand.  I use my mind at the wrong times, I use my heart at the wrong times…I have to find a way to balance it all, and it’s never easy. 

29.    Love/Hate:  The only relationship I have with myself. 

30.    Terminal Uniqueness  3rd eye, I can entertain your perspective, it’s hard for you to understand mine.  I’ve spent my life putting myself in other’s shoes after taking responsibility for all the stupid and coward shit that I did when young.  It seems to be of an advantage now for me, but it’s something I wish more people had.  I think myself to be so special that it’s going to eventually undo me.  Such an Ego, but such pressures that come with it.  I feel sorry for you guys when dealing with me sometimes. 

31.    Just an extra. I am honored to have you all as friends and to know such amazing people.  I know I don’t show that I appreciate you guys, because I am lucky to have so many people.  We don’t always get along, we don’t always agree, but we are here.  I am well aware that I have affected thousands of people with my short year home, and in turn, you all have done the same for me.  So many of you have helped me along my way to getting me on my feet and adapting to normal life.  I thank you all.  For those I poke at all the time, I love yall the most, but I know there is some emotional distance between us as of late.  I’m losing all my time to just getting it together.  I love you all, thanks for standing by me when I may be the hardest one to stand by, behind, and understand. 

I know I don't have much to offer.  I know I have a lot of people against me.  I've been down, and there is nothing but forward and up to go.  I'm far from perfect, but I'm still fighting and trying.  Yes, I'm a troubled, broken, and uniquely deviant person, and I still have a lot to learn.  So here you all go, my greatest weaknesses are yours to pick apart.  Any questions, I'm open to.  I've gone this far...why not. 

-------------   Addition 10/27/2013---------

It seems that because I FB friended someone from my high school, and he posted on his page (Max), a lot of people are adding me from (school) the days before I was incarcerated.  I think you all would like an explanation of what happened, the truth which differs from what was sensationalized through the news and such.  Instead of inboxing everyone with it, this is what happened from my perspective and why my Life Sentence was reduced and what led me to be released. (I'm copying and pasting what I wrote to Max from our conversation, because I'm lazy and must go to work, don't feel like revising it)  

For those who don't know me and have just rumored about me, I can care less about, but I do have a responsibility to you all that I affected at that time of my life, those who went to school with me, in the Visual Performing Arts with me, and knew me differently then.  To you all, I apologize for any negative impact I had years ago, and hopefully this may bring you closure and maybe understanding.  

Max Pfeferman

When you get a chance I would like to hear what actually happened...

Vthegreatone Redpill-TheOutcome StatAtk-SoMann

I didn't know what was supposed to happen that day, I ended up missing my bus and arrived late for class. I even checked in as policy was at Suitland at that time. But before I was able to reach the front doors, both Tatia and Shante were waiting for me in the front. Obviously they had conversed either the night before or early that morning when school began. 

Tatia and I didn't know until Shante spoke to me in private. Shante told her that she was supposed to get a gang tatoo (primitive, burnt in with a hot knife in which Shante brought with her) I didn't know about gang tats and I was told to go along with the story, but Shante said there was an O.G. call, in which Christopher made a direct command for us to kill. (Mind you I was in the gang for only about two weeks up to this point.) 

At that point, I should have told someone, but I was afraid of both the ramifications, and to have a hit and others sent out for me. As you know, I was in the Art program, my homelife was in shambles, basically I was homeless also, and Suitland VPA was all I had. So Shante said to meet in the side of the school where VoTech was. 

What I did instead was duck them and went to Spanish class. This is on record and proven that I was there from attendance. Unfortunately, Shante shared that same class and knew where I was supposed to be. Shante sent Tatia to ask Ms. Rosemary. Mind you Tatia didn't have her as a teacher and Shante had to show her where the class was at. They were absent from both their classes. Tatia said that the "office" wanted, and she bought it. At that point I was in a huge dilemma. I felt that Shante either knew I was trying to get out of it, would inform Chris and it would be my turn. So this was the point I gave up all hope. 

Fast forward to the woods (there was a point that we crossed a ex gang member along the way, I forget his name and I told him to run - I was acting like I was going to attack him, and he did run...I add this to show you I was in a mental and emotional state that was back and forth) 

So we arrive at the woods. It was a recent development area, and there was trash and house debris behind there. Shante told Tatia to sit down while she heated up the knife. I didn't know what to do, Shante was mouthing to me to "hold her, hit her." (I was behind her at that point, I was supposed to witness, some gang rule.) On the ground there was a piece, about 1/4 of a broken bathroom sink. (picked up the part where the metal piping was not a part of it) In my mind I just wanted to knock her out and be done with it so she wouldn't feel anything. It didn't work, Tatia turned around. 

Unfortunately she didn't run. That's when she asked why and Shante stabbed her over and over as Tatia fell on me, I don't know for protection, last person to be with (this image is what has haunted me the most) I don't know and will never know. If you look at the evidence, my right hands was stabbed in the inside of my palm from Shante stabbing Tatia into me (this was in the discovery and a picture was taken after my statement, and put me in the scene of the crime). I'm right handed and I was also in a defensive posture (later also proving I wasn't holding her and wasn't holding a knife and didn't stab her). There was only one knife involved. When Tatia finally fell, I knew it was over, I covered her body up with the left over debris, I had blood all over me and I wore Tatia's coat to cover up the blood. I took the public bus home and at that point my life had changed from worse to even worse, and at that point, I became something I never knew I would become because I thought I was a good person. I became a Murderer in cowardice, and I murdered a friend, I failed her. 

I wasn't holding her, I was just in shock. This is how and why my time was reduced and this was the stuff you guys didn't see in the news. I just went along with Shante's story and signed the Police statement because I had given up. Chris and Shante wanted to put it all on me. That may be or might have been the plan because of what had transpired. (Chris didn't want me because the Bloods is a historically Black gang btw)

In prison, I had to survive. I went to adult prison at age 16, they (the blood gang) among other gangs came after me. I was stabbed up twice, jumped at least 10 times, etc. etc. Chris is the top O.G. of the Blood gang in Maryland. He controls the whole nation of Bloods in there. Almost 14 years later, they (the court and Tatia's family) looked at what I had to say, Tatia's family forgave me, and I had a sentence reduction when they came to court. 

And here I am. I made many mistakes since then. I basically grew up in prison. I did a lot of good things, some questionable things, things I had to survive, and I somehow survived while I had all the strikes against me. I refused to join a gang or religion while I was in there -I told myself I'd rather die than make the same mistake that lead to Tatia's death, so it made me a target, I was the only Asian, a female victim that happened to be young and Black. I was an easy target for anyone and everyone. I had to fight everyone, which in a way made me stronger than the boy I was. I focused on the man I wanted to become. I prayed, educated myself, took opportunities, and now I have a son, double major from University of Maryland. I volunteer with youths, hospitals, (I happen to be a magician) I am a Mixed Martial Artist, etc. etc. It's just hard keeping and getting a job. 

So there you go. You have the truth of what happened instead of what the news sensationalized for everyone to watch. There was no handing off a single knife between two people to stab one person. I wasn't the hulk, I just turned 15 and didn't pick up a huge sink, I wasn't that strong inside or out. I understand that everyone was in shock and disbelief, hurt and such to think about the details. Because in the end they don't matter. 

While I didn't plan this, it happened. In the end Tatia is gone because I was too weak to stop, too selfish and a coward to go to anyone, and I didn't know how to handle that situation I was faced with at that time. I was ill-equipped, and not the person to take the right lead for the right things like I am now.

I know it's hard to see me other than anything else but what you all knew me as, both before and since I've been gone, but at the least, I'm not the same. In some ways I shouldn't care how you guys feel, but I am aware I have a responsibility to explain. I'm not a bad person and the people around me know it. I'm not as nice as I was once before, I'm much more honest and blunt instead of people pleasing. 

Anyways, I'm going to have to get to work. There you go Max. You have the truth now.

--2015 Update--

I guess every three months I'm going to get "so called blasted" on the internet for what I've always kept in the open.  On one hand it should be obvious that it's irrelevant to what my past is to what I do now.  To some people it is relevant...these are "past centered people."  Not people I would associate with in real life, I'm more into future and open minded individuals who can really critically think, instead of take things for face value and go along with what is first given to them.  But it's really the same pattern.  I get into an argument in which they wont debate on details or merit of idea, they dredge out my past like it's some linchpin key, and all the emotional people who's lives are ruled by gossip and rumors jump head on into it.  In some ways this is my fault.  I chose to sacrifice my own privacy when I started Bwamu and unified the former groups.  I never had to, and in a lot of ways it didn't help with the job search, which directed me into the work I do now and will be transitioning to soon, which is kind of a good thing.  Google Black Women and Asian Men and the second thing that pops up is Sam's old post, like some kind of mystery.  But I imagine it's new news for people who don't know, or the trending topic in inboxes.  

Let's face it, it's easy to jump on that.  Politicians, media, and zealots love nothing but to find the worst gossip and spread it, because they don't have to stop and think.  They don't have to get to know or go to the source, they just have to make up new negative assertions and spread more.  I've seen enough college educated dummies volunteer their ignorance and this stuff is no different.  It just shows me just a low level of thinking.  It's akin to "book by it's cover," and against the mission of the site...which is use "experience" to overcome "ignorance."  But I'm going to take my personal time out to address the rumors as of late... But if you think I'm a racist, you're an idiot... If you think I support rape...you are an idiot.  If you think I'm a Misogynist...eh...if you aren't smart enough to know you're an idiot, maybe you are.  I'm not going to be humble about personal attacks and lies, I can be immature and do the same.  Just because you run a group or lead here and there, doesn't mean you control what other people or individuals do.  It's like blaming the host at a party for people choosing to get drunk or getting into a fight in the basement.  When you have a group like this...you don't know who is going to show up.  From the pick up artist, to the person who's been married to an Asian Man or Black Woman for years, to they guy or gal cheating on their mate, the date rapist/pedo, the young person looking to experience love and life...no one really knows...all I know from experience is that their are a lot of different individuals...you just as an admin try to do the right thing...where "right" is different for each person.  The only thing that people think I am responsible for is telling every soul I ever come across that I'm a murderer...like that is even logistically possible, but I have a surprise for them...I really don't...because I don't owe anyone anything that I don't deal with on a regular basis.  I chose to be transparent because I knew back in 2010 that I had relations with a lot of people, and now that the community is huge now...the job I set out to do is kind of done. The only thing left is clearing up the mission and why it's so different from what other people think about racism is.  That is soon to come...but I have a life to get to...son to take care of (that's one son...not the dozens I supposedly have from hoe-ing around that people have been asserting).  Money to make and transition to do.  

The lady that supposedly got raped at one of my parties (which if it did happen, how is that my fault again?)  It didn't happen...drunk people going to the basement, bad choices and mis-communication.  I was just hanging out with said victim in NYC in my last event...just look at the pictures.  Does that make sense?  

The girl that got raped in NYC on a date, she found him on craigslist..not on Bwamu or Bwamu FB..and when the alleged guy messaged me a video I downloaded the video and gave that evidence to the supposed victim.  (I use alleged and supposed cause I'm smart enough to say I don't know what happened between those two individuals...I have an assumption that he's a piece of shit...but it's just that.)  [Again, why am I getting blamed for this???]  

Me being a hoe...if I was one...it wouldn't be your business.  Why I'm single...if I was or was not...again...not your business unless I I choose.  I post up a trip to the hospital and it's assumed that I'm a hoe...so men and women who go the clinic all hoes???   I chose to have unprotected sex with a few people I trusted.  My bad...didn't know that was your business either.  (To be continued...) 

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Comment by Shakira Gray on January 12, 2017 at 5:19pm

Well, I have never been a hoe, trusted a few, yeah. Clinic, yeah. But, all the BS they want to put on you, f@#! them! Sidenote, your son is a cutie! Please keep doing you, and know that you are a great man!

Comment by Shakira Gray on January 12, 2017 at 5:14pm

Just before your first update, which I will read as well, you have been through so much and I never judge, ever! You are not alone in anything you may think or do as long as there is someone thinking about you, but you might not know that, V. My brother, my only brother has been in prison for 21 years for murder. He was in a gang as well, he made me triple down on my son, his first nephew, to make sure he did not follow in his footsteps, he didn't. But, as for myself, I was in an abusive marriage to a black man, also the father of my first child. It took such a long time to get past the abuse of my father and the abuse and rape from 'the doner'. It took such a long time for me to find out who I am again. You are highly intelligent, rare in ANY race, trust me. You have so many feelings of infinite proportions, and you teeter on edge everyday to seem 'normal', no idea what that is. But, you Sir, are one hell of a man and a survivor! I talk too much and that honesty is always present!

Comment by Gsister on November 6, 2016 at 8:09pm
I commend you V for being open. As the song says what doesnt kills you make you stronger you best believe. You are here for a purpose. Jesus loves you and yes He believes in you. Remember life is a journey and base on our choices we make, that is how our stories or testimonies are created. These testimonies or stories should always be shared so that other persons who have gone through a similar journey or is currently down this part will be encouraged by your testimony or story. Jesus loves you very much and He can be your best friend, strength, healer, redeemer ,He can be your everything. You are a real fighter !
Comment by Leo on October 27, 2016 at 2:23am
Thank you V for sharing a very strong story/ blog. That was very brave of you. I have all respect for you and its good that you survived and you have overcome your struggles. As well with you being honest. I have learned a lot from it. Thank you
Comment by Kristyn on May 1, 2016 at 9:16pm

I love your post. You don't owe anyone anything about your past except only the very elite (usually countable on one hand) and on a need-to-know basis. Sure, you can reveal to help others, but not because of someone else's pseudo-sense of entitlement of an explanation. People will have you reliving things for which THEY can't obtain closure. TRULY not your problem and solely between you and your God. It's just like with celebrities and people thinking they are "entitled" to know what happens or goes on in their lives. ALL of us have done atrocious, ratchet things and most won't have the balls to name them publicly. So, for someone to think that you owe them an explanation?  This is one issue with our country regarding those who leave prison and jail and can't get jobs, housing, vote, or move forward, overall.  When have people paid their debt to society?  It seems like never, because people want to hold the past (and they should with pedophiles and sexual predators) against them forever. It's BS. I applaud the strength and resilience that you must have to have endured what you have, yet put one foot in front of the other each day to be able to stand here so open and exposed. You don't owe people, who couldn't walk a day in your shoes, anything. Above all, I pray that you (and all of us) discover how much you are truly, jealously loved by God. That's one thing the enemy tries to deceive us about: our true worth and value. But, know that you are so loved and valued that you've been exalted above him (the enemy), and while there's redemption for you (for us), there's none for him. Thank you for sharing. Makes me more mindful of others, not out of pity, but because we are all in a war.

Comment by rw1 on February 24, 2016 at 5:10am

Brave post

Comment by Pis on January 11, 2016 at 3:52am

Lawd

Comment by Satcha92 on December 31, 2015 at 12:24am

This just made my night.  Thanks a lot for sharing your story. I learned so much from it. 

you rock....

Comment by Fatima on November 30, 2015 at 10:07pm
Vee. Uniquely deviant:) Thank you.
Your son was blessed with the man uniquely designed to raise him. And with your permission I want to borrow a line or too? If you don't blink once for yes and twice for no within the next 24, I will assume the ok :) ..
Uniquely deviant- it's an honor to "meet" your story.
Peace
Comment by Wana on November 12, 2015 at 7:46am

Hi V! I am proud of you for your honesty and openness. This just frees you and urges you along the process of healing. I went through childhood abuse, though it was different from you, I also found that when I began to talk about it, privately with a trusted person at first,and then I openly shared my story in church, it freed me up. Yes, there were and are still the haters, but, I look at it this way, it's out there, no one can come and change who I am with a 'secret' I've kept. They can talk, it can get annoying, but let it all rub down you.

I just wanted to respond to some of your comments;

God does believe in you. You have a unique story to tell. You were broken but now you rise up, you may not realise it, but the moment you spoke honestly and openly about it, that is the moment you stood tall. Trust me, there are a lot of people who have been encouraged by this. I was so broken, I was so depressed V, that if I told you, you are a strong person would you believe it? You endured so much but never considered suicide, that is how low I was at a point in my life. I only began my inner healing just over a year ago. It is by God's grace that you stand. You are now the storyteller of your life, not the circumstances you found yourself in.It's okay to be you, don't worry about trying to fit in. I've never fitted in anywhere too hahaha! And I walk in a relationship with God, I wish that for you too!

Keep learning, that is life, a process I've found for me. You have created a huge and wonderful site, just one of the things you have done....I've found learning is a part of living, you only stop when you are dead...

I am proud of you that you realise people pleasing is not being nice, being truthful and honest is.

 

Also, what helped me a lot in my journey, is forgiveness of others yes, but also yourself. The past is the past, this is now. You have to forgive yourself for what happened. Everybody makes a mistake in a moment of weakness, ignorance or for whatever reason. You have faced the past, acknowledged it, now forgive yourself. I am not saying forget, no, the scar will remain, but the wound can heal. Keep living, keep sharing what you have learnt, I am blessed by it, as I am sure, many others too. Forgiving yourself frees you up to live and share your story so others learn. I know you have already started doing it in a major way, this site is a testament to that. 

Also, we can't choose our parents or family, I know a lot about verbal/emotional/mental abuse etc. I know how that can break you. I also can't imagine being physically abused by your own parents.....what could have destroyed others only made you stronger, yes you are strong and doing a great job at living your life. I applaud you! 

Forgiveness is such a powerful tool for healing. I found that in my case, it is for you, not the abuser. When you forgive them, you release yourself from the prisons of bitterness and resentment.  You can't really go far if these chains are weighing you down. 

I hope I have not offended you in any way with this. You can delete this if you wish. I sincerely wish you all the best in life!

Oh and I love how you proudly share that you have a son, because for a girl who grew up abandoned by her own father before she was even born, you are an angel!! Speaking for all the girls out there, we appreciate you on acknowledging him and wish him all life's blessings!

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