To support, encourage, & promote interaction between Asian Men & Black Women.
30 Things About Me
I promised that I would get this done before 2011. This is it, and if you aren’t prepared for realness, I advise you skip this note. I know for a lot of people, Facebook is related to politics, reputation, and or jobs, and the fear of giving your deepest parts of Self is freighting for most of the population…except for me. Since it such high content, I expect most people to not read it, and I’m fine with that, it’s yet again, predictable.
Me Vs. The World
Me Vs. Your Opinion
Me Vs. Me
21. Magic: I love performing magic because it allows others to see what is impossible done in their face. I feel that everything is possible, and if we fight and find a way, it can happen. It’s the only time where I can consistently lie and not worry about it. I’m entertaining people, and I love it. But let me tell you where it came from. When I was incarcerated, I knew my chances of getting a job was going to be hard. At that time, I didn’t have an education, and I remembered back when I was homeless eating out of trash cans. I told myself that I would never rob or steal, and the only way to earn money is to find a way to give people something and it would be reciprocated in return. I chose magic, and I taught myself through books since then. Now I am a master level magician.
22. MMA/ Jiu Jitsu: This was a part of being bullied when I was younger and in prison. It wasn’t until a guy named Mustapha took me aside and taught me how to box that I had some confidence and control of my hands. Another man named Israel Murphy taught me Wing Chun. But to fight, it takes a major amount of heart. It just fed my insecurity from being able to protect myself and my friends if anything ever started to kick off. BJJ is the only art where you can control your opponent and actively not hurt them if you wanted to. It’s a science.
23. Art: I was supposed to get a scholarship for Julliard in NY before I got locked up. I messed it up. I was an artist in both the visual and performing arts. I guess it’s my emo side and rebellious nature. I was never given toys and was locked in the basement for my elementary school years when my parents were both hard at work, so I taught myself how to draw.
24. Yu-Gi-Oh: This has to be the most best game besides Chess to me. It’s much like life. You build yourself up, you test it, and there is a fair amount of chance involved.
25. Philosophy: I went on a 40 day liquid fast in prison. At the same time, I was studying some of the greatest leaders of our time…Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi, JFK, Muhammad Ali, Malcolm X, and I read all the Eastern and Western fundamental writers of Philosophy. At this moment, my life took a drastic change, and I learned some things about myself that I really did not like. It wasn’t until all this that I learned what it is to discover yourself, be reborn, and dictate your own life. This was when I felt closest to God, and to myself.
26. Broken Self Image: There is so many parts of me and my past to look down on. There are so many expectations I have for myself in the future, and so many things that happened in my life that I had to admit, that it was some Higher Power who kept me alive through. I don’t deny that it’s by some grace I am here today, but I can’t keep away the feeling of being broken.
27. Loneliness - at the end of the day, we are all alone. I feel that I am so different in experiences and life that I don’t fit in. The same feeling when I was young. The only difference is that I am just getting by living in it, instead of always letting it dictate my feelings and actions. But I can’t deny that it does influence some. Even in a full room of my friends, loving, and happy, I feel it. I don’t know sometimes.
28. High Emotions/Sensitivity and High Analytical/Logical Mind: I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place at all times. And no one can understand. I use my mind at the wrong times, I use my heart at the wrong times…I have to find a way to balance it all, and it’s never easy.
29. Love/Hate: The only relationship I have with myself.
30. Terminal Uniqueness 3rd eye, I can entertain your perspective, it’s hard for you to understand mine. I’ve spent my life putting myself in other’s shoes after taking responsibility for all the stupid and coward shit that I did when young. It seems to be of an advantage now for me, but it’s something I wish more people had. I think myself to be so special that it’s going to eventually undo me. Such an Ego, but such pressures that come with it. I feel sorry for you guys when dealing with me sometimes.
31. Just an extra. I am honored to have you all as friends and to know such amazing people. I know I don’t show that I appreciate you guys, because I am lucky to have so many people. We don’t always get along, we don’t always agree, but we are here. I am well aware that I have affected thousands of people with my short year home, and in turn, you all have done the same for me. So many of you have helped me along my way to getting me on my feet and adapting to normal life. I thank you all. For those I poke at all the time, I love yall the most, but I know there is some emotional distance between us as of late. I’m losing all my time to just getting it together. I love you all, thanks for standing by me when I may be the hardest one to stand by, behind, and understand.
I know I don't have much to offer. I know I have a lot of people against me. I've been down, and there is nothing but forward and up to go. I'm far from perfect, but I'm still fighting and trying. Yes, I'm a troubled, broken, and uniquely deviant person, and I still have a lot to learn. So here you all go, my greatest weaknesses are yours to pick apart. Any questions, I'm open to. I've gone this far...why not.
------------- Addition 10/27/2013---------
It seems that because I FB friended someone from my high school, and he posted on his page (Max), a lot of people are adding me from (school) the days before I was incarcerated. I think you all would like an explanation of what happened, the truth which differs from what was sensationalized through the news and such. Instead of inboxing everyone with it, this is what happened from my perspective and why my Life Sentence was reduced and what led me to be released. (I'm copying and pasting what I wrote to Max from our conversation, because I'm lazy and must go to work, don't feel like revising it)
For those who don't know me and have just rumored about me, I can care less about, but I do have a responsibility to you all that I affected at that time of my life, those who went to school with me, in the Visual Performing Arts with me, and knew me differently then. To you all, I apologize for any negative impact I had years ago, and hopefully this may bring you closure and maybe understanding.
When you get a chance I would like to hear what actually happened...
Vthegreatone Redpill-TheOutcome StatAtk-SoMann
I didn't know what was supposed to happen that day, I ended up missing my bus and arrived late for class. I even checked in as policy was at Suitland at that time. But before I was able to reach the front doors, both Tatia and Shante were waiting for me in the front. Obviously they had conversed either the night before or early that morning when school began.
Tatia and I didn't know until Shante spoke to me in private. Shante told her that she was supposed to get a gang tatoo (primitive, burnt in with a hot knife in which Shante brought with her) I didn't know about gang tats and I was told to go along with the story, but Shante said there was an O.G. call, in which Christopher made a direct command for us to kill. (Mind you I was in the gang for only about two weeks up to this point.)
At that point, I should have told someone, but I was afraid of both the ramifications, and to have a hit and others sent out for me. As you know, I was in the Art program, my homelife was in shambles, basically I was homeless also, and Suitland VPA was all I had. So Shante said to meet in the side of the school where VoTech was.
What I did instead was duck them and went to Spanish class. This is on record and proven that I was there from attendance. Unfortunately, Shante shared that same class and knew where I was supposed to be. Shante sent Tatia to ask Ms. Rosemary. Mind you Tatia didn't have her as a teacher and Shante had to show her where the class was at. They were absent from both their classes. Tatia said that the "office" wanted, and she bought it. At that point I was in a huge dilemma. I felt that Shante either knew I was trying to get out of it, would inform Chris and it would be my turn. So this was the point I gave up all hope.
Fast forward to the woods (there was a point that we crossed a ex gang member along the way, I forget his name and I told him to run - I was acting like I was going to attack him, and he did run...I add this to show you I was in a mental and emotional state that was back and forth)
So we arrive at the woods. It was a recent development area, and there was trash and house debris behind there. Shante told Tatia to sit down while she heated up the knife. I didn't know what to do, Shante was mouthing to me to "hold her, hit her." (I was behind her at that point, I was supposed to witness, some gang rule.) On the ground there was a piece, about 1/4 of a broken bathroom sink. (picked up the part where the metal piping was not a part of it) In my mind I just wanted to knock her out and be done with it so she wouldn't feel anything. It didn't work, Tatia turned around.
Unfortunately she didn't run. That's when she asked why and Shante stabbed her over and over as Tatia fell on me, I don't know for protection, last person to be with (this image is what has haunted me the most) I don't know and will never know. If you look at the evidence, my right hands was stabbed in the inside of my palm from Shante stabbing Tatia into me (this was in the discovery and a picture was taken after my statement, and put me in the scene of the crime). I'm right handed and I was also in a defensive posture (later also proving I wasn't holding her and wasn't holding a knife and didn't stab her). There was only one knife involved. When Tatia finally fell, I knew it was over, I covered her body up with the left over debris, I had blood all over me and I wore Tatia's coat to cover up the blood. I took the public bus home and at that point my life had changed from worse to even worse, and at that point, I became something I never knew I would become because I thought I was a good person. I became a Murderer in cowardice, and I murdered a friend, I failed her.
I wasn't holding her, I was just in shock. This is how and why my time was reduced and this was the stuff you guys didn't see in the news. I just went along with Shante's story and signed the Police statement because I had given up. Chris and Shante wanted to put it all on me. That may be or might have been the plan because of what had transpired. (Chris didn't want me because the Bloods is a historically Black gang btw)
In prison, I had to survive. I went to adult prison at age 16, they (the blood gang) among other gangs came after me. I was stabbed up twice, jumped at least 10 times, etc. etc. Chris is the top O.G. of the Blood gang in Maryland. He controls the whole nation of Bloods in there. Almost 14 years later, they (the court and Tatia's family) looked at what I had to say, Tatia's family forgave me, and I had a sentence reduction when they came to court.
And here I am. I made many mistakes since then. I basically grew up in prison. I did a lot of good things, some questionable things, things I had to survive, and I somehow survived while I had all the strikes against me. I refused to join a gang or religion while I was in there -I told myself I'd rather die than make the same mistake that lead to Tatia's death, so it made me a target, I was the only Asian, a female victim that happened to be young and Black. I was an easy target for anyone and everyone. I had to fight everyone, which in a way made me stronger than the boy I was. I focused on the man I wanted to become. I prayed, educated myself, took opportunities, and now I have a son, double major from University of Maryland. I volunteer with youths, hospitals, (I happen to be a magician) I am a Mixed Martial Artist, etc. etc. It's just hard keeping and getting a job.
So there you go. You have the truth of what happened instead of what the news sensationalized for everyone to watch. There was no handing off a single knife between two people to stab one person. I wasn't the hulk, I just turned 15 and didn't pick up a huge sink, I wasn't that strong inside or out. I understand that everyone was in shock and disbelief, hurt and such to think about the details. Because in the end they don't matter.
While I didn't plan this, it happened. In the end Tatia is gone because I was too weak to stop, too selfish and a coward to go to anyone, and I didn't know how to handle that situation I was faced with at that time. I was ill-equipped, and not the person to take the right lead for the right things like I am now.
I know it's hard to see me other than anything else but what you all knew me as, both before and since I've been gone, but at the least, I'm not the same. In some ways I shouldn't care how you guys feel, but I am aware I have a responsibility to explain. I'm not a bad person and the people around me know it. I'm not as nice as I was once before, I'm much more honest and blunt instead of people pleasing.
Anyways, I'm going to have to get to work. There you go Max. You have the truth now.
I guess every three months I'm going to get "so called blasted" on the internet for what I've always kept in the open. On one hand it should be obvious that it's irrelevant to what my past is to what I do now. To some people it is relevant...these are "past centered people." Not people I would associate with in real life, I'm more into future and open minded individuals who can really critically think, instead of take things for face value and go along with what is first given to them. But it's really the same pattern. I get into an argument in which they wont debate on details or merit of idea, they dredge out my past like it's some linchpin key, and all the emotional people who's lives are ruled by gossip and rumors jump head on into it. In some ways this is my fault. I chose to sacrifice my own privacy when I started Bwamu and unified the former groups. I never had to, and in a lot of ways it didn't help with the job search, which directed me into the work I do now and will be transitioning to soon, which is kind of a good thing. Google Black Women and Asian Men and the second thing that pops up is Sam's old post, like some kind of mystery. But I imagine it's new news for people who don't know, or the trending topic in inboxes.
Let's face it, it's easy to jump on that. Politicians, media, and zealots love nothing but to find the worst gossip and spread it, because they don't have to stop and think. They don't have to get to know or go to the source, they just have to make up new negative assertions and spread more. I've seen enough college educated dummies volunteer their ignorance and this stuff is no different. It just shows me just a low level of thinking. It's akin to "book by it's cover," and against the mission of the site...which is use "experience" to overcome "ignorance." But I'm going to take my personal time out to address the rumors as of late... But if you think I'm a racist, you're an idiot... If you think I support rape...you are an idiot. If you think I'm a Misogynist...eh...if you aren't smart enough to know you're an idiot, maybe you are. I'm not going to be humble about personal attacks and lies, I can be immature and do the same. Just because you run a group or lead here and there, doesn't mean you control what other people or individuals do. It's like blaming the host at a party for people choosing to get drunk or getting into a fight in the basement. When you have a group like this...you don't know who is going to show up. From the pick up artist, to the person who's been married to an Asian Man or Black Woman for years, to they guy or gal cheating on their mate, the date rapist/pedo, the young person looking to experience love and life...no one really knows...all I know from experience is that their are a lot of different individuals...you just as an admin try to do the right thing...where "right" is different for each person. The only thing that people think I am responsible for is telling every soul I ever come across that I'm a murderer...like that is even logistically possible, but I have a surprise for them...I really don't...because I don't owe anyone anything that I don't deal with on a regular basis. I chose to be transparent because I knew back in 2010 that I had relations with a lot of people, and now that the community is huge now...the job I set out to do is kind of done. The only thing left is clearing up the mission and why it's so different from what other people think about racism is. That is soon to come...but I have a life to get to...son to take care of (that's one son...not the dozens I supposedly have from hoe-ing around that people have been asserting). Money to make and transition to do.
The lady that supposedly got raped at one of my parties (which if it did happen, how is that my fault again?) It didn't happen...drunk people going to the basement, bad choices and mis-communication. I was just hanging out with said victim in NYC in my last event...just look at the pictures. Does that make sense?
The girl that got raped in NYC on a date, she found him on craigslist..not on Bwamu or Bwamu FB..and when the alleged guy messaged me a video I downloaded the video and gave that evidence to the supposed victim. (I use alleged and supposed cause I'm smart enough to say I don't know what happened between those two individuals...I have an assumption that he's a piece of shit...but it's just that.) [Again, why am I getting blamed for this???]
Me being a hoe...if I was one...it wouldn't be your business. Why I'm single...if I was or was not...again...not your business unless I I choose. I post up a trip to the hospital and it's assumed that I'm a hoe...so men and women who go the clinic all hoes??? I chose to have unprotected sex with a few people I trusted. My bad...didn't know that was your business either. (To be continued...)